What Priests Want You to Know
A few posts have popped up this week on our radar about what pastors/priests/ministers and the like want their parishioners to know about what goes on between Sundays and, for that matter, what goes on during Sundays. We figured this looked like a prime place for us to wade into the water, so here we go.
1. Your minister has a personal life. Just like your teachers in school and your doctor, ministers and priests have a life that existed long before they were ordained. So, just like you, they have family issues and car trouble and dishes that sit in the sink far too long and children who were up sick all night before the Easter Day services. Just like regular people, life can be joyous and overwhelming. And we often are not able to share that with parishioners. A quote I saw on a bumper sticker said, "Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Yes, indeed.
2. Sundays are long days for us. We are on, and I mean Beyonce at a concert on, from the time we step into the church until the last person leaves. We are responsible for the liturgy, the sermon, and the climate control (because no one in the church agrees on temperature). People tell us things, from random comments about the football game to significant news about their lives. We often are teaching a class, as well. A retired priest I knew said every hour clergy work on Sundays is the equivalent of working 2.5 hours any other day.
3. Clergy have to flip switches in ways that are not good. Every priest I know has many stories of going from a parishioner's hosptital room where the family has gathered to say goodbye to a finance committee meeting. It is the nature of what we do. Remember when your minister takes a morning off, s/he may be giving herself or himself time to reflect on all that has happened because that's the only time she has.
4. We miss the parishioners we bury. Just because we're preaching the sermon and celebrating the liturgy like we're totally together doesn't mean we aren't crying on the inside. Clergy do not live day to day, week to week, month to month, and year to year with the people they serve and not grieve when those beloved people die. Again, grief needs her space and time, so allow your minister to take that time (or remind them to take that time.)
5. We are not particularly good at disappointment. Perhaps it's a personality type, but most clergy I know will work until their fingers fall off for the community they love and serve. Just a note - this is not good. God jerked my attention to this fact a week before Palm Sunday, when I just hit a wall. We cannot do everything we want to do. We only have a certian amount of energy, which means we, like the rest of the humanity, have to make choices about where and how our energy can be shared. This will always mean something that someone really, really wants to see done in the church will not be done. And we hate that, but there you go.
6. Life happens at the church every day of the week. A few things that happen when the flock is not at the church: planning liturgies, writing sermons, taking phone calls, meeting with people who need to be heard, visiting those who are sick, working with community groups, dealing with the physical plant, reading emails, and rearranging schedules when the unexpected happens, as it often does. Churches are busy, busy places every day of the week. Which also means it's always better to make an appointment rather than just stop by if you really need to talk.
7. Many clergy only get one day off a week. For many of us, things happen on Saturday, so our Saturdays are not always a day off. And it's also a day for sermon-writing because often the week gets too busy for quiet time to write.
8. Church life is often feast or famine. Just like regular life, life in the church either seems to run at 100 mph or quite slow. There are weeks that 80 hours is not unusual for me, and I am quite thankful for the ones that require about 20. And when the slow weeks come, having a parish that empowers their clergy to take that time and relax is a gift. We really love what we do, but need down time to re-energize and reflect.
9. We don't remember what you tell us on Sunday. Please, email us or write it down.
10. We make mistakes. Yes, indeed. Forgive us when we do. Love us anyway.
1. Your minister has a personal life. Just like your teachers in school and your doctor, ministers and priests have a life that existed long before they were ordained. So, just like you, they have family issues and car trouble and dishes that sit in the sink far too long and children who were up sick all night before the Easter Day services. Just like regular people, life can be joyous and overwhelming. And we often are not able to share that with parishioners. A quote I saw on a bumper sticker said, "Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Yes, indeed.
2. Sundays are long days for us. We are on, and I mean Beyonce at a concert on, from the time we step into the church until the last person leaves. We are responsible for the liturgy, the sermon, and the climate control (because no one in the church agrees on temperature). People tell us things, from random comments about the football game to significant news about their lives. We often are teaching a class, as well. A retired priest I knew said every hour clergy work on Sundays is the equivalent of working 2.5 hours any other day.
3. Clergy have to flip switches in ways that are not good. Every priest I know has many stories of going from a parishioner's hosptital room where the family has gathered to say goodbye to a finance committee meeting. It is the nature of what we do. Remember when your minister takes a morning off, s/he may be giving herself or himself time to reflect on all that has happened because that's the only time she has.
4. We miss the parishioners we bury. Just because we're preaching the sermon and celebrating the liturgy like we're totally together doesn't mean we aren't crying on the inside. Clergy do not live day to day, week to week, month to month, and year to year with the people they serve and not grieve when those beloved people die. Again, grief needs her space and time, so allow your minister to take that time (or remind them to take that time.)
5. We are not particularly good at disappointment. Perhaps it's a personality type, but most clergy I know will work until their fingers fall off for the community they love and serve. Just a note - this is not good. God jerked my attention to this fact a week before Palm Sunday, when I just hit a wall. We cannot do everything we want to do. We only have a certian amount of energy, which means we, like the rest of the humanity, have to make choices about where and how our energy can be shared. This will always mean something that someone really, really wants to see done in the church will not be done. And we hate that, but there you go.
6. Life happens at the church every day of the week. A few things that happen when the flock is not at the church: planning liturgies, writing sermons, taking phone calls, meeting with people who need to be heard, visiting those who are sick, working with community groups, dealing with the physical plant, reading emails, and rearranging schedules when the unexpected happens, as it often does. Churches are busy, busy places every day of the week. Which also means it's always better to make an appointment rather than just stop by if you really need to talk.
7. Many clergy only get one day off a week. For many of us, things happen on Saturday, so our Saturdays are not always a day off. And it's also a day for sermon-writing because often the week gets too busy for quiet time to write.
8. Church life is often feast or famine. Just like regular life, life in the church either seems to run at 100 mph or quite slow. There are weeks that 80 hours is not unusual for me, and I am quite thankful for the ones that require about 20. And when the slow weeks come, having a parish that empowers their clergy to take that time and relax is a gift. We really love what we do, but need down time to re-energize and reflect.
9. We don't remember what you tell us on Sunday. Please, email us or write it down.
10. We make mistakes. Yes, indeed. Forgive us when we do. Love us anyway.
Comments
Then I went out for a drink.
Whit Johnstone
One thing seems specific to a particular type of ministry which is very different from mine, though. I'd love to have the opportunity to miss the parishoners I bury, but it's very rare for me even to have met them. I share the grief of the family; at every funeral I mourn too; but miss them? I'd jump at the chance.
Rev. Dr. Connie S. Alexander, retired Presbyterian minister
~S~
Revd Dr John Maxwell Kerr, SOSc,
Episcopal Chaplain to the Faculty, Staff and Students,
The College of William and Mary
Rev. Catherine O'Connor, Orillia, ON, Canada.
We also like to protect our ministers and give them the opportunity to rest when they can.
Rev. Eric Atcheson
Shifting gears from the dying/dead to meetings to sit-downs with someone with a list of complaints to home where the family actually thinks they deserve your attention . . . . definitely my "growing edge" as a parish minister. Thank you.
And for the same reason, I was shocked when I entered the ministry and found that the norm was a six-day week. Older colleagues kept talking about their "day off," and I said "Day? Whatever happened to dayS?" and would often get a pitying look. I said, "The heck with that. I'm doing more intense work than ever before, I need two days off per week."
It's taken me years and a lot of spousal pressure, but I finally honor Saturdays. They are, after all, the only day that everyone in the family has off. I work three Saturdays a year: our auction, our board retreat, and our national conference. Otherwise, if you want me there, it's got to be another day. I can't tell you how good that inviolable "family day" has been for my marriage, my relationship with my daughter, my sanity, my happiness, and my ability to serve my congregation with all my heart.
Rev. Amy Zucker Morgenstern
I really believe that we do need to share life with our parishioners--not everything to be sure. However, in the situation in which the church finds itself today, leading from "amidst" just seems to me where we need to be. That means sharing life, struggles,questions with parishioners. With discretion, to be sure. When we live among, lead from among, share life and love and joy and sorrow in daily life with parishioners, I think it holds untold blessings for the whole community of faith.
1. Delegate, delegate, delegate. Stop trying to do all the things. You have people in the parish that can do that for you. Trust me, you do. They may not be clergy, but they have talents. Make them use them. You are their shepherd, not their force-feeder. God gave us free will for a reason! (And I am quite certain that there's an app for that, too.)
2. Reasonable selfishness is key. If that means you have a hard and fast rule of two days off? Do it and stick to it. Do not break that rule unless someone is in imminent danger of death or loss of limb. They need to talk to someone about something not life threatening on the days off? Have a list of people who are willing to be an ear. I bet they're in your parish. No really, go find them.
3. Have a person you can talk to about your stresses and frustrations. You know, a person you don't have to be strong for, a person you can fold up and ugly cry on, and see them on a regular basis. This is inviolable.
I am a very strong, self-contained person - but these three rules I live by as a vet assistant/dogwalker. And you would be surprise how much better I am at my job for having learned to be like, "No. I'm not going to do such-and-such." Even if I can, there are just times when I turn something down because it's better that I do to avoid resentment.