Inappropriate answers to interview questions

As I launch into the search process, I have been thinking a lot about interview questions and answers in the church. I hope you all enjoy!

Question: Tell us a little more about yourself.

Answer: Well, I am a big believer in gun control. Like, I really cannot have a gun. On the way over here, I would have shot out the tires of about forty cars.

Answer: I keep a taser in my purse and in my desk at the church. Want to see it?

Question: What is the most meaningful part of ministry for you?

Answer: Uh, let me see, that would be the relationships. I love the relationships, you know, with the hot guys, the repair guy for the copier. You know, you are kind of cute too. Has anyone ever told you that? What can I say; I am a lover of souls.

Answer: Really I am in this gig until I get that part on the Spanish version of The Young and the Restless. They call me “La Rubia.”

Answer: I like the part with the thingy. You know, with that cardboard tasting thing and the wine. Especially, the wine.

Question: What are your greatest strengths in ministry?

Answer: (Flex) These guns right here (kiss both biceps)! You don’t think that chalice holds itself up there on Sunday, do you?

Answer: That would be this moneymaker right here (point to your face). I moisturize every night. I get facials twice a month. I exfoliate every other day. Why aren’t you writing this down?

Answer: It has to be my humility. I mean I am constantly getting humiliated. People say terrible, cruel things to me, and I just take it. You know why? Because they are all true (burst into tears now).

Question: What are your greatest weaknesses in ministry?

Answer: I just do so darn much. I strive for perfection. I also work too hard. Why are you rolling your eyes?

Answer: I have no weaknesses! How dare you ask me such an insolent question! Kneel before me before I destroy you!

Question: Why do you feel called to this place?

Answer: Your church is the closest one to the Dairy Queen. Did I tell you that I love the Dairy Queen?

Answer: I am going to lay this on the line. I am not getting any younger, and neither is this congregation. We are both in a desperate situation. You are not getting any better than me. Did I also mention that I like the drapes in the rector’s office?
Answer: You guys seem pretty cool, so I am, like, cool. Okay?